It is very normal to hit slumps in terms of whatever it is that you are doing. Very normal. I just don't feel like I am getting better as of right now, which is perfectly normal considering that everyone else is getting better as well. Maybe though, it is just because we keep shifting our focuses, and that we are working on new elements of our game, and that I have not improved enough in that regard yet?
A HUGE part of the problem is that I absolutely downright refuse to use my physicality. I won't do it. I am somewhat strong, I am REALLY fast, I am pretty athletic, I can go for a very long time, and I am super flexible, and near hypermobile in some areas - but I REFUSE to use any of that. I want to use only my skill; if I really want to, as showcased at Judo Monday night, I can use my physicality to defeat someone of similar or lower (or maybe even a little higher) skill level, but I will not.
The problem is, it is really difficult to defeat someone who is stronger, more athletic, and using more than you are using pure skill. You must be significantly better than them - and I'm just not. At least I am significantly less tired than those guys are. I could roll for two hours straight. How many of the other dudes can? Well, I'm not really trying to compare myself, but...
I was making slight adjustments to Hector's gi chokes, but gi chokes piss me off sometimes...and I'm letting my ego get the better of me. I want to escape, I want to play guard and sweep the crap out of people, I want to reverse and submit, but I can't. I'm outweighed by at least 50 lbs, and the guy is way better than me. What chance do I have?
I know I'm supposed to be focusing on defense and survival, since that was my plan for the blue belt. I figured guard retention should pass as a part of it...but I think for now I should not fight tooth and nail to keep my guard, but rather try to use my skill (which I somewhat am), and if it gets passed, whatever. If anyone taps you, your survival skill is not good enough.
Speaking of getting tapped, there was this very rough guy, I think he's from a different school...I got kicked a couple times and maybe even have a black eye. Whatever. I think he only tapped me like once, which I'm okay with. I could handle him though.
Same with that other guy, who likes to go really hard...I passed him and almost tapped him a couple times, when he used to just poop on me. So I guess I'm getting better.
But I tapped 5 times tonight.
I hate getting tapped. It means I lost. I try to see it in a positive light, but at the end of the day, no matter how I see it, I messed up somewhere. I wasn't better than the other guy. I did something that I shouldn't have. And I really, really, really dislike that.
I can't be perfect, however. I have only been here for a little over a year, and everyone else has been here at least two. I always want to stand out somehow, and I can't accept the fact that I am just not different than other people, or at least more skilled in some way. I want to be special. I want attention. That is just how I am, I need my ego to be fluffed because my self esteem is incredibly low. I need it for my own mental health. Hell, I finished Combatives in four months (technically two and a half, I was ready to test when I went off to school), but still.
I learn the moves faster than most people. Usually I get it perfect first try. I take all of the advice everyone gives me (except the stay off the mat stuff LOL), but eh...
Get over it, and get back on the mat and work harder.
I think I need to film myself so I can see what I am doing.
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